Month: January 2017

I haven’t posted in a while, haven’t taken the time to conglomerate all my ramblings and spew them over a keyboard. I’m angry, so, so deeply angry. My anger comes from a place of true terror for myself, my friends, total strangers’ safety, and my beautiful planet. You know why. It’s inescapable, the constant barrage of negative media He’s caused. Every day I have to talk about it, every day I learn more about what He’s done, what He plans to do, and I am in greater pain because of it.

Being angry is not my natural state, as a person who is generally happy and relaxed. But, I am a passionate person. If I love something, I will love it hard. If something makes me happy, I will do it with all my might. And… if something makes me angry, I will loath and hate it with every fiber of my being, to the point of full-body consumption. This rage has infected me to my core, I can feel its energy, physical and tangible. I’ve used it to power up hill climbs, run faster, complete hard rock-climbs, and focus on studying. This anger, this pure rage, can be channeled. It can be focused and directed in such a  way as to fight back against the oppressors. To fight back against those who threaten my livelihood, my right to equal pay, reproductive health care, not being seen as a baby-factory. To fight to save our forests and Earth from mining, drilling, deforestation. To fight for our right to knowledge from scientific bodies. To fight for our right to LGBTQ+ freedom. To fight…period.

We cannot sit and be complacent. While I do not condone outright violence, there must be a swift and powerful revolution. Do completely peaceful movements work to overthrow such dictators and powerful Men? No. Has the peaceful DAPL movement worked? No. I’ve marched and worked with the BLM movement, been part of Women’s Rights work, and there is so much potential for change if the outlet is right. And will it ever be right? I don’t know. All I know is that change to the degree which we need will not happen from these peaceful and complacent movements that only are used to be mocked and belittled by Fox news and Him.

When did we become okay with blatant lies? When did the American people start to stop caring about sexual scandals and troubles, does no one remember the Lewinsky scandal? Was that not grounds for impeachment? And here we are, a blatant sexual predator who has so much money as to bury these things… and no one fights?

When did we become so complacent? Yes, there were scrappings of media attention on the Women’s March, on the upcoming Scientist’s march, but I want to know more of their impact, did they work? What change did they elicit? Any? Beuller?

There is a tear in my mind, stay here or go home. To stay in this place of relative stability, or return to my crumbling home. But as time draws on my anger and need to fight grows, so while I hope He will have been impeached by then, I will be coming back more ready to fight than ever, I will be coming back.

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For fuck’s sake. My life was great. I have so many wonderful friends across this dying Earth to which grant me love, companionship, endless joy and wonderful drunken tales. I have a spectacular boyfriend who encourages my random rambling adventures in the wild, my consistent pursuit of cycling glory, and makes a damn good cup of coffee. I enjoy my education and am set to help the world by designing and implementing renewable energies when I graduate. And all of this, all I have worked my short life to get is now threatened. You cannot disagree with that. He… no IT, for it is no longer a singular man, it is a growing dark mass wearing a Hitler mask, following down the same path. It is a long-awaiting opportunity after years of planning, of spreading fearful Christian values to this 1st Amendment country, of lowering basic education, of using Fox news to instill fear in the hearts of many and cause fighting among the classes so that no one looks ‘up’ when wondering where there money went. Because many voted for it out of baseless fear, and in turn voted for the core demon and monster of the whole movement to money-powered autocracy. He is an it, not a man.

Every time it works to take away my healthcare, I will fight back and campaign even harder and do everything I can to make sure my friends and family are able to get basic help when needed.

Every time it approves a new drilling, frakking, or pipeline bill, I will fight back and preach the good word of the environment.

Every time it fights education and information, I will fight back and teach what I can, donate what I can, and not let us slip into misguided darkness.

Every time he insults women, I will fight back and scream and claw and fight for I am a woman, I have the power to create life if I choose, and I damn well have the power to create change if I choose.

Fight.

Be angry.

Be really fucking angry.

And be strong, we’re in a fight now, so pick your battles.

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Meg

Many people have been saying “2016 sucked” or “2016 was the worst year in history- everybody good died!”, “watch out for the 2016 curse!” … and so on.

Now, I’m  a hedonistic person to my core. I appreciate that my life, my love, my friends, my world… all of it is amazing, and I want to experience it to the fullest. And that’s why you mourn all these dead folk, yeah? Carrie Fischer was a fierce role model for women everywhere, Leonard Cohen brought joy through his music, Gene Wilder brought laughter and happiness through his quirky jibs. All these people made positive change in their time, they worked hard and did what gave them fulfillment, we wouldn’t care as much if they didn’t. So instead of feeling sad, take a page from their book, and live this year! Be the kind of person who is mourned by millions by getting out and making positive change in the world.

Appreciate your one life, acknowledge your mortality, and revel in the fragility of life. It’s weird but, the closer you are to death the more alive you are. What fun would mountaineering be if you knew you were 100% safe? When I do a high speed descent, flying happily at 50mph, I know that one fuck-up and I’m wrecked (more importantly my bike is too). But those descents are the closest I feel to flying. It’s pure adrenaline, riding the terrifying wave, being one with the bike. I recognized long ago what makes me happy, and I’ll spend my entire life chasing it down. Chasing down the perfect “flow” of absolute zen. No conscious mind yet completely aware, responses instead of reactions, caring about nothing but the immediate moment.

You do what makes you happy. Me, I’m going to spend 2017 with friends and loved ones. I’m going to have copious amounts of sex, lose brain cells to fine whiskies, party and dance with friends, experience bliss on my favorite drugs, and live most sincerely. I’m going to crush school, and continue to work on my engineering degree, work on my artistic skills, my language skills, my human skills. While I do have five specific resolutions, they can be compressed and summarized to this: Be my best everyday.2017 will be spent continually refining the perfect Meghan. The friendliest, most badass, intelligent, loving, fighter gal ya’ll know. To give you anything but my best would be a dishonor to you.

Now, instead of conjecturing at who I will be in 2017, I must acknowledge the real changes that happened to me over the year. If you’re reading this (unless you’re a Russian bot) you’ve impacted my life in some way, so thank you!

The past year brought about many lessons. Being a CRF taught me about being a social justice warrior, about being an ally, about equality, equity, and so much more. I am thankful for the support on my quest for being woke and trying to make positive change.

I learned about grief. About hardship. Randall dying still hurts me deeply. With all my firefighting first aid and emergency training, I still have the image of his body ingrained in my mind, and  have to remind myself there was nothing any of us could do. Biking, running, and climbing with friends was the best coping and healing method I had. However, just shy of two months after his death, I got a concussion. It effected my memory so much that I lapsed in knowing my Mom’s name. My grades tanked, I stopped socializing, and I went to a pretty dark place. Because of my unwillingness to get help, my academic performance suffered so much that I dropped the Honors College, and failed several classes. Friends were there initially, but even they tapered out. It was lonely, being in a place where your friends didn’t reach out to help you. So, with the help of Rammstein and internal mantras I started to pull myself up by my laces again. I went on warm spring walks to Tried and True, around Avery Park, to Bald Hill. I bought a badass mountain bike. Finally (arguably way too soon), I was out with the gang again, mountain biking in Bend and doing  McKenzie Pass with Dad. It was interesting, having drifted away from the bike group momentarily as my noggin’ healed, it showed me how shallow a lot of my friendships were. If I couldn’t ride as fast as them, do drugs as hard as them, or be ‘one of the guys’ then they largely exclude you. I don’t know, maybe I’m just overthinking it, but perhaps we were only friends because we biked together. I’ve definitely found that those good friends, who have been reaching out to me while abroad are the ones I appreciate the most, and make me feel very loved. Thank you to those who have reached out, and made me feel appreciated here, ya’ll West Hallers and Mead brewers and collegiate cyclists from WA who have sent cards or simple messages, love ya lots!

Back to the timeline…As my headspace improved, I started planning for studying abroad more, applying for jobs and scholarships. I landed an incredible summer job doing Electrical Engineering, learning skills and making useful contacts. I went on spectacular backpacking trips with Noah all across the PNW, viewing nature in all it’s full glory, recharging my soul.

Come the end of the summer, and after one last hoorah party fueled by Jennifer and mine’s incredible home brewed mead and cider, and a Oregon Coastal bike tour, it was time to be off. Things were packed, hugs were beary, tears were shed, and I was off.

The memory that stands out the most was driving out of Corvallis, my true home. I remember thinking about how it will never be MY Corvallis again, when I return it will have changed. But… so will I have. It may not ever be my Corvallis again, but I won’t be it’s Meghan, either. Ya’ll have seen how being in the UK has changed me thus far via my posts, so that doesn’t bear repeating.

2016 was a year of introspection. I’ve learned a lot about myself, about how much of an asshole I am, how vain, naive, hurtful, and malicious I can be. I also learned my capacity for love, happiness, and joy. I apologize to anybody I hurt in 2016, I’ll be better this year, I promise. I look forward to being Best Meghan 2k17. See ya’ll on the flip side!

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OHshit I just failed English class. Why that title you wonder? I decided to skirt around all the obvious bullshit of the year (Trump, Aleppo bombings, Brexit) but I ate so much Bacon this morning (best way to usher in a new year) to bother. Instead, I’m going to focus on being a Badass this year, and living in Bliss.

And more bacon.

Always more bacon.