Month: March 2017

It’s officially spring! The daffodils are up, the sun occasionally shines through the rain and hail, and the crushing weight of academic deadlines is back!

Things are starting to  balance out again. I spend 10-12 hours a day doing schoolwork, which is really starting to be a major weight on my mind (so I am procrastinating by writing this!). My research project is due in two weeks, er, let me clarify that, my DISSERTATION is due in two weeks. It is a 60 page academic article on the development and calibration of a measurement device to be placed on the stanchion (which I designed) of a tidal stream turbine blade. *whew* Not sure if I can make that less long-winded, since even that does not encompass the scope of it all. But hey, at the end of this I get to be cited in an academic journal, so that’s pretty sweet!

To balance out the stress, there have been so many amazing adventures in my life recently:

*CUMC returned to the Peak District and we absolutely crushed it in the beautiful sunlight, and Camilla proved to be the most patient, encouraging, and amazing trad partner ever!

*I competed in the Bull Run Bouldering Comp and had a blast, and showed well for my first bouldering competition! There was an incredible problem where you had to wrap your legs around a ball suspended from the ceiling and rotate around- so hard but so fun!!!

*Max and I had a superb weekend near the Brecon Beacons, where we camped by Llyn Brianne to hike, bike up a grueling 25% hill, and generally me merry. Max continues to be such a source of joy and grounding for me here, my experience would not be the same without him.

*The #hype for Font is real, so I’ve been working on my bouldering skills to get ready.

*I’ve been working with Formula Student a lot recently, and getting to know all the lovely folk in Cardiff Racing has made my time here even better. I’ll be staying in the UK until mid-August if I get on the trip to the Czech Republic, so watch out for some sweet pit crew pictures!

So yeah, life’s looking up again. With the help of friends, bacon, and campfire-warmed wine, I am getting back to Meghan once more. I have started to look to the future again, and am starting to think of future career/ life paths. Right now, I am leaning towards doing a Master’s in the UK on renewable energy design, and then a PhD on Tidal Stream Turbines, probably in the PNW somewhere, or Scotland.

Oh, I’ve been running again! Wonderful, wonderful running. My heart aches to run on the soft trails of the Queen of the Cascades, play in the tall grass of the Willamette, but is beginning to see the fun of dodging ducks and swans at Roath, and slipping on Taff mud while jumping logs along the riverbank.

Ah, well, that’s all for now, folks. I’m happy, and that’s what matters.

Happy as long as I don’t look at the news of home.

 

I’ve found myself getting homesick more lately.

Maybe it’s because race season is starting, or maybe it’s because I’ve hit my six month mark here (holy shit), maybe it’s the politics back home, or perhaps this burst of sunshine has made me want to bask by the Willamette or swing into the Avery.

Whatever it is, I’m finding myself in a dark headspace. Maybe it’s because I was not acknowledging homesickness as the source of my unrest, but it has been a rough few weeks. I second guess everything- am I intelligent? Should I do engineering? Why aren’t I driven like I used to be towards success? Do people here really like me? Should I pursue climbing and cycling, or do I just drag everybody down? Is it worth getting out of bed today at all? No? Just sleep then…

It hits like torrential waves. I’ll be laughing, then suddenly doubt slams in… I can feel my eyes lose their sparkle and my grin lose its edge. I hate it and myself simultaneously, where seconds before I felt love and joy.

I haven’t been acknowledging it like I should, haven’t been taking care of my headspace well enough. Missing home, missing my friends and family hurt so much that I shoved it far back into by subconscious, much to the damage of myself.

I miss the windy quiet, the chirping songbirds and barking dogs. I miss having nature at my doorstep, the busy solitude found on Bald Hill, the rolling hills of Decker, Dimple, and Saddle that offered me shelter for contemplation. I miss night runs to the bridge out of Corvallis over the Willamette, where I would cry and laugh to the songs of the moonlight and rain, I’ve told more secrets to those old wooden planks than any person. I miss the covered bridge, both for its individual beauty but also the memories of time spent with friends there.

I’ve been here six months now, almost exactly. Six months of laughter, friendship, and adventures of their own, all working to add more plasters on a slowly rotting heart.

But, it’s all okay. It’s okay to feel this pain, longing. Pain is acknowledgement, a nod to home. To ignore it is to only further add to my distress. So, I’m gonna spend a few days crying, Skyping, and generally boring everybody with tales of how amazing home is.

Because when I talk about it, home, Corvallis, OSU Cycling, I’m not trying to boast or brag of my upbringing. I’m trying to reaffirm to MYSELF that everything there, all the love and joy I felt in the cottonwood breeze, it is all real, tangible, and waiting for me to come home.

…

…

…

It’s actually funny, someone like me who always dreamed of travelling, adventuring, seeing the world… for me to have such deep-set roots in Corvallis.

I know this isn’t unique, I know that many people have experienced homesickness or displacement that I can only pretend to understand, but knowing the scope of worldly pain doesn’t diminish what I feel.

…

Fuck it, I’ll make a happier post later.

 

Meg Out.